brett@thehomeeconomist.com
The National Retail Association is gushing over its recentlyreleased estimate showing we’re all about to spend $17.6 billion onValentine’s Day gifts for the people we love — that’s an 8.5 percentincrease from last year and highest amount we’ve spent in 10 years. Andwhile perhaps that’s encouraging for the South Florida shoppingenclaves, scientists say those of us who prioritize our jewels, ourwatches and our store-bought status items are most likely to be theleast satisfied in the very marriages that many of those gifts aresupposed to symbolize.
“Materialism does not benefit a long-term,satisfying, stable relationship,” says Luke Dean, the financialplanning program director at William Paterson University in Wayne, N.J.“For that, you need to focus on people and the relationship and haveless an emphasis on things.”
Dean has made a career out ofstudying money and its effect on our feelings, recently publishingpowerful new findings that prove the more materialistic the marriedcouple, the less satisfying the marriage. The results are shocking evento Dean — spouses with similar values are supposed to be happier — andsuggest that if we’re truly devoted to our matrimonies, we’ll put awaythe cash and instead invest more meaningful resources.
It’s a goal that might be both trickier and more essential here inMiami. While it’s difficult to measure materialism, we are after all —don’t say you haven’t noticed — one of seven U.S. cities with aReal Housewivesfranchise. More officially, our city’s divorce rate got nationalattention in 2010 when The Daily Beast ranked Miami as 26th nationwide.
“The thirst for materialism pushes people to live beyond their means,” says Charlotte Karlan, a North Miami divorce lawyer.
“In South Florida you’ll see a lot of it. That thirst absolutely does drive people towards divorce.”
It’san unpleasant ride filled with conflict and frustration, says Dean, whoexamined questionnaires filled out by 1,700 married couples. Spouseswho said that money and possessions were essential to their happiness inlife also admitted communicating less effectively with their partnersand arguing with them more forcefully. Materialistic people also saidtheir matrimonial unions were less stable and that they derived fromthem smaller amounts of satisfaction. These effects were amplified incouples made up of two materialistic partners, as opposed to just one.
“Generallyresearch supports the idea that in relationships, similarities are likeassets,” Dean says. “The more similar two people are, the better offtheir relationship. But that’s not true with materialism because there’sno person to serve as an anchor — a steady reminder that people aremore important than possessions.”
It makes sense, says Olivia Mellan, a psychotherapist and author ofMoney Harmony,who notes that money seems to hold a permanent seat atop all the listsciting reasons for martial discontent. Spending budgets — even for thewealthy — are generally fixed. Two materialistic people will rarelyagree on, say the yacht or the home renovations.
“If they havedifferent goals they’ll fight about those differences,” she says.“Couples who polarize are normal. The trick is to remember that money isnot love, power, control, security or happiness.”
The “negativeconflict” mentioned by the researchers? They‘re talking about namecalling and yelling, says Dr. Netta Shaked, a Miami licensed clinicalpsychologist. Healthy arguing — which involves respecting a differentpoint of view — introduces solutions for solving problems, she says.What’s more, you have to feel your partner meets most of your needs andhelps you feel comfortable expressing them.
“Communication is the crux to any healthy relationship,” says Shaked.
Becomingless materialistic might also help matters, says Dr. Ronda Fuchs, alicensed clinical psychologist in Miami Beach. The first step toshedding a status-conscious outlook: acknowledge that it’s selfish innature, she says. That’s because materialism embraces actions such asacquiring and receiving, rather than sharing and giving. Reverse yourself-absorption by engaging in activities that focus on the otherperson: volunteer together for a non-profit organization, make a mealyour partner enjoys, rub the other person’s tired feet or take them for awalk to watch the sunset.
“Materialism offers temporary happiness,” Fuchs says. “Sharing is what helps us feel truly fulfilled.”
Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/02/11/2635383/the-home-economist-money-cant.html#storylink=cpy